Day 4 – The Fear of Fighting a Battle Alone

I look up from the e-book I am reading and I see it.  And for the first time in months, I take the massive sight of it all in and mumble a quick thanks to God.

I have moved in to the new apartment that I share with my 2 roommates last September and from then til now, I have been averting my eyes every time I pass by that building.  Which btw is every freakin’ day.

I am a very visual person and I just cannot bear myself to look at it ‘cause the building represented everything that has been plaguing me this half year.

A prayer that was left unanswered.  A dream that was not fulfilled.  A future that did not happen.

Or so I thought.

I am gonna be the first to admit that patience is not really my strongest suit.  I despise, make that abhor waiting.  Especially if it’s waiting for something I really really really want or when I have sacrificed or am willing to sacrifice everything just to do this one thing that I don’t really want to do in the first place.

I gotta have things my way on my time on my terms.  All or nothing.  And I will do everything in my power to do everything to get it.

So the past few months of fighting for something alone wiped me out.  I cannot do anything but be still.  I seriously wanted to take the easy way out. Pull the plug and give up.  It was the most logical thing to do.  I don’t deserve to be treated this way.  I didn’t need this.  I am perfectly fine where I was.  I don’t need added drama (Yep, world.  That came from Drama Queen me.)  in my life. Plus the fact that it is easier and less complicated.

As is the theme of this blog, it was again about me, me, me, me, me and me.

Yep, I am such a self-centered, spoiled brat.

I have always wanted something/someone to fight for me.  I won’t admit it to your face but that’s what I have always wanted.  All my life, I was the one who picked up the wee bow (Should be read with Merida’s gorgeous accent, of course.) and fought for things/people/beliefs that I love.  I guess I am waiting for the moment that someone/something else will do the fighting for me.  Cause to be honest, fighting a battle by yourself can be extremely exhausting and lonely.

Because of months of silence, I assumed that I was just the one holding on, wishing, fighting and praying for this.

Little did I know that people have been fighting alongside me all this time.  They were actually on my side!  They didn’t abandon ship.  They wanted me on board.  And not because they were desperate or didn’t have any other choice but because they really thought that I can do it.  They believed in me even if I myself didn’t believe in me.

After all the sleepless nights battling self-doubt, hearing that was kinda too much.  (If you’re me, EVERYTHING is kinda too much.  I can be very dramatic, what can I say?)  How could I be so shortsighted?  How could I be so stupid?  As is always the case, all I was seeing was myself.  God was powerfully moving in the background but I was too busy with this whole self-preservation deal to notice that.

If I am to get this “figuring out life” thing really rolling, I have to believe that people are not out there to get me.  They are for me.  Sure, they can (and prolly will) disappoint me.  Sure, they can (and prolly will) hurt me.  But by shutting people out, I am just hindering myself from growing.  The problem with having books as your friends growing up is that they never talk back.  They never disagree with you.  I can always change the book if I don’t want to read it anymore. I have been so used to that setup that I was pretty much applying that to my dealings with people.  But that’s not how it works in real life.

I need to let people in.  I need them to challenge my beliefs.  I need them to broaden my perspective.  I need to give myself an opportunity to know them and vice versa.  I cannot just shut out everyone who does not make me feel safe.  Plus, it’s getting boring just hearing my own voice over and over again.

I dunno what will happen to this dream but every time I will pass by that building now, I will smile knowing that God and other people are fighting alongside me.  He may choose to grant the desires of my heart.  He may choose to withhold it too.  But I will choose to trust in His ways and timing and learn to accept His answer, whether it’s yes, no or wait.

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5 thoughts on “Day 4 – The Fear of Fighting a Battle Alone

  1. jamie says:

    so, what happened to the brave project? are you still being brave? just quit writing about it? i want to start being brave in the new year, and you’ve inspired me – thanks! 🙂

    • Hi Jamie. I am sorry for being a naughty girl. Work got pretty hectic with the Christmas season and all so I have to put The Brave Project on hold for a month. But don’t worry, I am continuing with The Brave Project. 🙂

      Thank you for the kind words too. It means a lot. Interwebs hug!

      P.S. You have a blog I can check out?. 🙂

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