Day 1 – The Fear of Knowing Where I (Don’t) Stand

Go ahead, ask me.

Q: Given the choice, would you rather know or not know?

A: Not know.

Q: Why?

A: Knowing seems so final and I’ve always hated goodbyes.

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Of course, you don’t have a single clue but I actually started The Brave Project yesterday with you.  Yes, you.  If you just knew how much I wanted to dieeeee that time than ever having that conversation with you.  The fact that you won’t get to read this is a tinny tiny consolation. Yay me!

I was able to say sorry but I don’t think I ever got to say thanks.  For everything.  You are partly the reason why I am doing this.  I know I did stupid stuff before like shrugging off the people who has laid the groundwork for this massive overhaul but I guess I just said that to be funny.  You were very patient and I appreciated that a lot.  I just have a really funny way of expressing it sometimes.  Really sorry about that.  And yes, I know.  My sense of humor is the pits.  At least, we can always agree on that.

The last time I was here, I burned the bridge.  Pulled the pin, threw the grenade and walked away without even so much as a peep on where it hit.  I frankly just didn’t care.  I was hurt and and confused. I also was 22.

“How dare you wrong me? What did I do wrong? Why me? I me I me I me I me I me I me I me I me I me!”

He was bad news so it was prolly better that way.  To be honest, a part of me wants to do that to you, too.  But I cannot make myself do it.

Maybe that’s the thing about doing the right thing.  Maybe doing the right thing especially when it comes to the people who matter is really hard to do.  All srs bsns ’cause you always risk hurting them or worse, losing them.  Doing the right thing can also mean shoving all your wants and desires aside to make room for what the other person wants.  It is actually listening, not merely hearing.  An actual two-way conversation, not self-aggrandizing monologues from both camps.

I won’t lie.  Right now, it feels like my heart is being ripped apart into a million tiny pieces and all I want to do is build these massive walls around me and shut you out off my life for good because the thought of facing you again hurts so much and it makes the simple act of breathing excruciatingly painful.   But I cannot do it.  What good will that bring me?  I know that really wouldn’t solve anything.  I am just pushing the issue under the rug.  And well, you don’t really deserve to be treated that way.

So I gave myself a weekend to be stupid, faced my fear of dealing with the issue, learned to accept the facts and however painful it is, walked away quietly to move on.

I miss you already.

Do you believe in second chances?  I hope you do. Cause maybe next year, we’ll just laugh about this.  Maybe next year, I’d squirm at the fact that I liked you.  Maybe next year, I’ll look back and go, “What the hell was I thinking?”  Who knows, right?

But for now, I  am waving a little goodbye.

P.S. Did I sound like a total cliche or what?

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